My life story

I was born in Manchester in the early 80’s to a black father and white mother.

Growing up I always felt like I didn’t fit in because I always struggled with my identity.

I felt like I had to fit a box to be valid and Society expected me to embrace my white heritage whilst leaving out my black ancestry but in all honesty regardless of my pale complexion I have always felt mix raced.

“That’s the thing with being mixed race you’re always expected to pick a side based on your skin colour but it goes much deeper than that and only a mixed race person will understand 100%”

I found it especially difficult because all of my siblings that I grew up with represent the physical aspects of being mixed race where as I didn’t. “So I couldn’t claim my heritage to the same degree as them”

If it wasn’t for my Jamaican grandfather Carlton Forbes who came over to play cricket in the 60’s I wouldn’t be here, so for me not to embrace my black ancestry would be a wrong doing in my book!

Not only did I struggle racially trying to fit a box I also struggled with my gender and knew from the age of four that something was very different about me.

I remember one time in toys r us with my dad having a meltdown because I didn’t want anymore boys toys, all’s I wanted was a fashion wheel. Luckily my father was open-minded and decided to let me have it. I remember when I got home and opened the toy with pure delight and my parents didn’t see me for dusk! But it didn’t stop there.

I used to steal my sisters my little pony’s and barbie’s and play with them secretly and I also used to put on my mum's makeup in her bedroom when she was at work, until I tried to put on nail varnish and spilt it all over the bedroom carpet. Oops!!

The moment that I realised I was a girl was about the age of ten, that’s when it really sunk in. I was at my friend's house and she dressed me up as a girl and we walked round the streets near our house and she said “if anyone asks you are my cousin”. I felt so liberated playing a female role when in actual fact it wasn’t really a role because I was a girl.

From that moment on I wanted to do more girly things and I just couldn’t stop myself because it just felt so right and it felt natural to me. I’d experiment with clothing, makeup and started to dye my hair.

I have always been a very mature person for my age and I realised that who I am would not go down very well with society and with my family at the time. Also it was around the time when HIV and aids were constantly in the news and I could see the hate that gay men were getting so I locked my feeling and thoughts in a box and conformed.

It wasn’t until 20 years later that I decided to open Pandora’s box and start living my life authentically when I was 32 years old. I just couldn’t waste anymore time living my life to suit a world that doesn’t have any love in its heart for me.

I have come on leaps and bounds and I can tell you for a fact that I have never been more confident and happy and I have moulded myself into the person I am today and no words or negativity would ever bring me down or make me fall out of love with myself.

As a woman who is approaching her 40’s I can see why society is the way it is but it is also changing so much and people are becoming more open and I feel that people just don’t wanna play the game anymore of this is right and this is wrong so to speak.

I have connected with so many people on social media especially TikTok and it’s amazing to see people living so openly and doing what they want to do and I have enjoyed listening to people story’s and hardships and making them laugh and feel valid in my safe space on the internet.

When people say the saying it gets easier, it really does because as you grow and become stronger you become more equipped with dealing with negative experiences and I will always want to be someone who helps give people a little push and know that no matter what I’ve got their back and they can do it!

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